After Douchebag McDouche stole my security deposit and refused to let me move into the apartment that I paid for, I became homeless. I moped aimlessly around the streets of New York City, wondering if anyone could tell that I was one of "them". Since I was still able to shower and wear designer sunglasses, I'm sure that no one suspected.

I actually felt somewhat bad (but not really) when one unsuspecting college student targeted me to lecture about sponsoring a child in Fuckifiknowland. "It's only 5 bucks a day!" the kid pleaded.

That's $200 per month, which is like 20 bottles of cheap wine! There's no way I can both sponsor a child and be a proper homeless drunk, I thought to myself. (I'm not saying that all homeless people are drunks. I'm just saying that I would be.) "I'm sorry," I told him, "but I can't support my lifestyle and sponsor a child." I then told him my sob story about Douchbag McDouche running away with my money, lack of work, homelessness, and told him that I was 29 and still single. I was flattered that he believed that I was 29, and asked if he could find a sponsor for me, preferably a good-looking gentleman in his 30's. He smiled politely and wished me luck. I wanted to crush his dreams and tell him that he will probably be fat and bald in 10 years, and would be lucky to pay off his college loans by 40. Instead, I smirked, waved goodbye and went about my business--searching trash bins for half-eaten sandwiches.   

To avoid further confusion, I considered adopting a stray puppy, rubbing dirt on my face, and scribbling a note on a piece of cardboard that announced my status, and collect funds in the subway alongside my homeless brothers and sisters. Instead, I chose to couch surf. After crashing with friends for 9 days, I was over it! I decided to travel. First stop: Los Angeles, where I enjoyed a week in the sun with friends. Second stop: Phoenix, where I enjoyed long hikes and Thanksgiving with family. Although I had a great time, I missed New York. I missed my new friends, the excitement of the city, sexy men in business suits, and karaoke bars. So, I came back.

I have surfed on three couches so far. Fortunately, I will soon be retiring from the sport of couch surfing! Earlier today, I signed a lease for an awesome apartment on Wall Street! It's in a doorman building, has a gym, rooftop deck, and lounge. I move in next week! Goodbye couch, hello air mattress!

Help me buy a real bed by donating to my Paypal account. Just click the yellow "Donate" button on this page or on my home page. Happy Christmukah!  :)