I don't know why. But, I still get nervous around boys I like. Not just a few butterflies nervous-- more like sweaty, crack-head nervous. I can't seem to control my child-like impulses to talk at 100mph or constantly vie for attention. It's pathetic. Moreover, it's not ME! As a result, these guys think I'm a total freak. As I've said before, I overstep my boundaries and justify undignified behavior when I have a crush. As usual, my plan backfires and I end up rejected and confused. Here's the latest mishap:

When I lived in Aspen full-time, I met a great group of people through a friend. We all started hanging out and had great times together. Since I was dating High-5 when I was introduced to them, I hadn't paid much attention to any of the boys in the group. When things ended with High-5, I noticed a little flirtation from a couple of the guys.

There was one boy in particular who struck my interest. I found him cute, smart, funny, and really nice. We began spending time together.  It was clear that there was a mutual interest. Unfortunately, I had already decided to move to New York. Consequently, there was little possibility of developing any sort of relationship. However, we still hang out when I'm in town. I go to his place, play video games, and watch cartoons (ya know, normal adult behavior).

Somewhere down the road, I crossed over into the annoying-girl-who-won't-leave-but-we're-friends-and-I-don't-want-to-be-a-dick category. I don't know why. Actually, I know EXACTLY what happened: I wanted to spend an innappropriate amount of time with my crush because I knew I would be leaving again soon. As a result, I became overbearing and smothered him. On top of that, I was often nervous and annoying with my school girl with a crush behavior. Oops!

The worst part of this story: I was in Fantasy Land about the situation. I was completely disillusional and made a huge fool of myself. It wasn't until a recent conversation with a mutual friend, that I realized the obvious- my crush is totally not into me! The conversation went something like this:

Friend: He's not into you.
Me: You're wrong.
Friend: No I'm not.
Me: Did you hear something?
Friend: No. It's just obvious from things you've told me that he's not into you.
Me: Well I know how he is, and you're wrong.
Friend: You asked my opinion.
Me: Did you hear something from him?
Friend: (silence)
Me: Dude! If you did, I need to know because I don't want to make a fool of myself by putting the moves on someone who's not into me!
Friend: You need to stop!
Me: What?! Is that your opinion, or did you hear something? Because if it's just your opinion, it's different from...
Friend: You need to stop!
Me: (pause) Crap!

To be honest, I'm more embarrassed than anything. When I stopped to think about it, it was quite obvious that my crush wasn't into me: I was usually the one who inititated contact; and he was much less flirtatious than in the past. On the other hand, there were times that I got mixed signals. Actually, I don't really know what the hell happened. The moral of the story: I will never understand men.